Monosyllabic responses from elementary and middle school students
have been plaguing parents since humans began to ask their kids:
"So, how was school today, honey?" It's hard to know when a lack of
expression is due to standard adolescent angst or situations that
are seriously upsetting your child and, more importantly, when your
gut instinct is right on and when you're making a mountain out of a
mole hill.
How do parents differentiate between the average
minimally-communicative adolescent and a child who truly has
something on his or her mind? Base your conclusions on observation,
communication, sensitivity and mindfulness. As you may recall from
your own childhood, adolescence is full of hardships, but bullying
and social aggression can be quite harmful and it's often difficult
for kids to express these issues to their parents.
If you suspect your child's reluctance to talk is due to bullying
trouble at school, it can be tricky to known when to intervene. It
is important that parents avoid jumping to any conclusions, but they
should trust their instincts and investigate the situation. This
involves observing your child's dialog, habits and activities. Is
your child complaining about feeling isolated or alone at school?
Have you noticed that your child's pricey DVD collection is slowly
disappearing? Is your child avoiding an activity that he or she once
happily anticipated? These are warning signs that your child is not
telling you everything and that he or she might be being bullied or
harassed.
Children and adolescents often minimize or downplay bullying
situations at school when talking to their parents. It's common for
children to think they will loose their parents' respect, that the
bully may retaliate, or that peers will view them as weak for
telling a parent or authoritative figure. However, adult involvement
is often necessary to solve the problem efficiently and peacefully.
Parents, if you believe your child is being bullied or harassed:
* Make it a common occurrence to talk to your child and show
interest in his or her school life. It is easier to get your child
to open up and talk with you if you have a history of being
positively involved in their lives. However, that's not to say that
because you have been less involved in the past you shouldn't try to
become more involved in the present and future.
* Tell your child that you suspect something is bothering them.
Ask your child what would make them feel more comfortable talking
with you about the thing that is bothering them. It is helpful to
ask for and listen to their opinions because this rebuilds some of
the power they have lost through the bullying situation.
* Actively listen to your child and do so without interrupting.
Allow them to talk without worrying that you will interrupt, correct
or in some way make them feel as though they are being judged. If
something isn't clear to you, it is OK to ask your child for more
information, but remember that this is not a time for interrogation,
judgment or blame.
* Ask your child how you can be helpful. Don't assume your child
wants you to rescue them. Conversely, don't assume that they want
you to sit back and do nothing. If you're not sure how to help, ask
them or do some research. This will also help your child regain
their power.
* Don't promise more than you can deliver. Children often fear
retaliation by the bully and are reluctant to share what is really
going on at school, especially with a parent. Sometimes children
will try to get a pledge of secrecy from their parents before they
will confide in them. This can create a difficult situation for both
the parents and child. The parents become trapped between this
promise and getting help for their child. Breaking that promise may
give the child reason to be less trusting of their parents in the
future. Therefore, only promise that you will try to help make the
situation better and not worse. Explain that if you feel the
situation is serious enough that he or she may be at risk, you will
talk to other adults for help. To lessen the blow, promise to tell
the child what your plans are before you decide to involve others.
* Find out what the school policy is concerning bullying,
harassment and other acts of violence and misconduct. Work
cooperatively with your child and the school to come to an
appropriate resolution. If the school is not responsive, find out
what the due process rules are for your school district. Work up the
chain of command until there is an appropriate resolution for the
bullying incident involving your child.
* When discussing the situation with school staff, take a low-key
approach. Schedule appointments at a time when it will not draw
attention to you, your child or the bullying situation. Your child
will greatly appreciate this.
* Check back with school officials to make sure the situation has
truly been resolved. Sometimes, when bullying situations are first
reported, the staff is extremely diligent to correct the situation.
But, as with many things, as time goes by staff may become less
diligent in monitoring bullying situations and the bullying may
start up again.
* Help your child discover a variety of interests. Encourage
relationships with people who have similar interests and help your
child fit in with these new groups by teaching them the social
graces that will promote further acceptance.
* Continue to show your child that you're open and accessible.
Remind them often that they are valued, loved, accepted and heard.
Bullying is a very powerful and potentially dangerous experience.
There are many challenges to growing up, but being bullied is not a
rite of passage and it should never be taken lightly. By taking
measures to build an open and honest relationship with your child,
you increase communication and trust, and teach your children about
empathy, friendship, and respect, which are the essential tools to
prevent and stop bullying.
Steve Breakstone and Michael Dreiblatt are the co-founders of
Balance Educational Services, a company that promotes pro-social
behavior and bullying solutions through interactive presentations
for students, educators and parents. They are also the authors of
How to Stop Bullying & Social Aggression: Elementary Grade Lessons
and Activities That Teach Empathy, Friendship, and Respect, which
will be released in August of 2008. For more information, visit them
online at
www.BalanceEducationalServices.com.
By Steve Breakstone and Michael Dreiblatt are the co-founders of
Balance Educational Services, a company that promotes pro-social
behavior and bullying solutions through interactive
presentations for students, educators and parents. They are also
the authors of How to Stop Bullying & Social Aggression:
Elementary Grade Lessons and Activities That Teach Empathy,
Friendship, and Respect, which will be released in August of
2008.
