Oh, how things can change.
Maybe it's all in my head but I am noticing a dramatic shift
in parent/child conflict lately. It used to be that I would
work with teenage guys and their big issue would be with a
demanding and overbearing father. The common problem was
that their dad was always wanting to control them and was in
their business all the time and that these boys never could
live up to their dad's expectations. I would see lots of
anger come out in these boys but, in this scenario, there
was also a strong underlying sense of pride in their fathers
and the urge to relate to them in a powerful way. I would
have to say that this scenario was the norm for a long time.
I believe I am noticing a real shift in the issues I see now
amongst adolescent guys. Not that there are no controlling
or overbearing fathers anymore. This is still a fairly
common issue that I deal with in the counseling room. But,
there has been a subtle but very noticeable movement in our
culture. I dare say that the winds seem to be "a'changin".
Now, at least as often as the
above scenario and maybe even more so, I have noticed that
there seems to be more and more conflict between mothers and
sons. Seriously, this has become a staple in my work. I
cannot tell you how many times a family comes to me and the
major fighting and behavioral problems are between the son
and the mother; especially when the son gets to be around
fifteen or sixteen years old. The boys come to me with lots
of anger and frustration, as well as shame and guilt in many
cases. The mothers are full of hurt, rejection, and
frustration. And, oftentimes, dad is not sure what is going
on, when it really started, or how to fix it. Most of the
time, the family history shows that the son was usually very
close to his mother, mother was very involved with son and
his activities, and life was harmonious...until now.
(Dramatic music here).
So, why the shift? Why does
a loving and dutiful son suddenly become so angry at his
loving and attentive mother?
Obviously, as with any
emotional issue, there are lots of reasons that come
together to spin a complex web of trouble. For the sake of
brevity, let me submit a few of the more common reasons that
I see.
First, I believe we are
reaping the consequences of becoming a more and more
fatherless society. Too many boys are growing up in homes
that are void of a dad. This can mean that the father is not
there physically, due to divorce, death, or apathy but it
can also mean a home where dad resides but is not
emotionally involved with the rest of the family. In dealing
with the former scenario, I cannot remember a time when I
have met more boys that have less contact with their
fathers. Seriously, whether I have been in the classroom, on
the athletic field, or in the counseling room, I have met
countless young men who haven't even met there dads. It is
heartbreaking to hear boys, in false bravado, joke about the
fact that they were twelve before they met their dad, or
that their father is in prison so they've never been
together or that dad has decided to live far away and there
is little contact. Young men joke or laugh about these
things, not because they think it's funny, but so they don't
show how much this deeply hurts them. Many teenage boys have
some contact with their fathers but it is not consistent or
meaningful. Children of divorce need to feel valued by both
parents, even the one that is not the primary custodian. It
bothers me deeply to see so many fathers that neglect the
essential role they play in the development of their sons.
Because of this cultural
dynamic, mothers are in a position where they have to step
up and attempt to play both parental roles on a daily basis.
God bless them for this! Please be sure to know that I am
not scolding single mothers or blaming them for all of these
problems. I hope the above paragraph was clear in showing
that I firmly believe that, in many cases, the fault lies
with the fathers who are not fulfilling their God-given
responsibilities. However, when a home is fatherless, it
leaves a boy with a void. It is a void in a young man's
search for what it means to be a man. Eventually the boy
will strive for manhood and, without a strong father to
emulate, he will have to find his own way. Because he will
be learning as he goes, he is prone to mistakes and
awkwardness that can often include things his mother will
not understand, and it will lead to conflict.
The home with an overly
passive father is also prone to mother/son conflict. If a
father is physically present but is not a strong presence,
mom will often take the lead role in the home. As the boy
grows, he will want to look to his dad to figure out how to
become a strong man. If dad is not a strong person, the boy
will be confused about manhood. A son might even resent his
dad if the young man sees that his father allows his mother
to control him or push him around. The boy might also resent
his mother for doing so and, in his heart, the young man
might vow never to let his mom treat him the way she treats
his passive father. The young man will still strive for
manhood (all boys do) and might see rebelling against his
mother as the best way to show he is strong.
Finally, boys often reach
an age where they believe they MUST get out of from the
shadow of their mothers. This especially happens when a son
has always been coddled or protected by his mother. When a
boy is young, this is great for him. His mother provides him
with compassion when he is hurt, provision when he is sick,
and shelters him from the harsh realities of his world.
However, when a boy is on the edge of manhood, he wants to
be dangerous and strong. A young man will want to prove that
he is no "mama's boy" but is a budding man to be reckoned
with. If the mother resists this need for independence, the
son will resist in return. If the mother REALLY resists the
need for the boy to leave her side, then the boy will REALLY
strive to pull away. Sometimes, a young man will go to great
lengths to do things he knows his mother will hate and not
approve of...not because he necessarily wants to do them but
simply to show that he is his own person. At this stage boys
are like soap in the palms of their mothers; the more she
tries to grab him, the more he will work to slip through her
fingers. If a mother takes this as personal rejection, the
seeds are planted and the situation is ripe for conflict.
Moms, if you can see
yourself in this type of situation with your sons, let me
offer just some bullet points of advice:
1. Research the masculine
psyche. There are lots of books on the subject of boys:
"Wild at Heart", "Bringing Up Boys", and "Raising Cain" are
excellent resources for helping you to understand the needs
and motives of young men. Read them with an open heart and
mind.
2. Work to UNDERSTAND your
son: not CONTROL him. It doesn't mean you stop being a
parent. Just be a parent that values your son enough to
listen.
3. Remember your main role
as a parent is to prepare your son to be an adult that can
make his own decisions; not let you make them.
4. Look in the mirror: How
much of the conflict is due to your own insecurities or need
for control?
5. Allow your son to face
the consequences of his actions. Don't save him all the
time. If you don't allow him the freedom to make his own
mistakes, he can always blame you when things go wrong. Let
him have enough rope to hang himself sometimes. He'll learn
faster.
6. Be consistent and fair
in discipline and setting boundaries and consequences, based
upon your son's age.
7. If possible, encourage
his father to take a more active role in your son's life. He
needs his dad, if possible.
8. Expose your son to
healthy male role models: teachers, coaches, youth leaders.
Obviously, we want to be careful about this but a boy needs
examples to follow.
9. Work on your ability to
"let go".
10. Be loving and graceful
when he fails. Try to resist the urge to say, "I told you
so".
Being a mother is not easy.
I realize that, in spite of my limitations (you know, that
I'm a man). However, the truth is that being a young man is
not easy either. There are lots of reasons that mothers and
sons end up fighting. In fact, there are more reasons that
we can cover in this article. However, I just want to remind
you that there are even more reasons for mothers and sons to
work out these conflicts so that they can remember how much
they love each other and how valuable each of them are.
